Stop the Spiral: How to Catch Confirmation Bias Before It Hurts Your Relationships
When it comes to relationships, our minds like to fill in the blanks. We think we know why someone didn’t respond to a message or why their tone felt off. We start building a story. And once we build that story, our brains start looking for anything that supports it.
That’s called confirmation bias.
What Is Confirmation Bias?
Confirmation bias is the tendency to interpret information in a way that confirms what we already believe. If you already think your partner doesn’t listen, you’ll notice every time they seem distracted. If you’re convinced a friend is being distant, you’ll find ways to prove that story true—even if they’ve just had a stressful week.
This can create unnecessary tension in relationships. It also gets in the way of real connection. Instead of being present with what’s actually happening, we start reacting to the story we’ve created in our head.
Why It Matters in Relationships
In relationships, communication and emotional intelligence matter. If we want to grow, we have to be willing to step back and ask, “What else might be true?” That’s how we shift from reactivity to reflection. It’s how we keep small misunderstandings from turning into bigger problems.
Here are a few ways to challenge confirmation bias and stay open to other explanations when you’re trying to understand someone’s behavior:
1. Pause and Ask Yourself: What Else Could Be Going On?
Instead of assuming the worst, try asking yourself a different question. Could they be tired? Distracted? Focused on something else? Could it have nothing to do with you? Taking a moment to ask this helps prevent overreaction and keeps you grounded in reality.
2. Look for the Full Picture, Not Just the Pieces That Fit
Our brains are quick to collect evidence that supports our beliefs. Try doing the opposite. Look for examples that show a more balanced view. If you believe someone is inconsiderate, also ask yourself, “Have there been moments when they were thoughtful?” This helps keep your perspective from getting stuck.
3. Let Curiosity Lead the Way
When something doesn’t sit right, get curious instead of making assumptions. Curiosity invites understanding. It makes room for honest conversations, better communication, and deeper emotional connection. In the long run, curiosity builds stronger relationships than certainty ever will.
4. Check the Story You’re Telling Yourself
We all tell ourselves stories. The key is knowing when to question them. Is your reaction based on something that actually happened—or is it based on how you interpreted it? Slowing down to ask that question gives you more clarity and less emotional noise.
5. Practice Emotional Flexibility
Staying emotionally flexible helps you respond with compassion instead of defensiveness. It gives you space to consider different angles and ask better questions. When you do that, you're more likely to find solutions, not just problems.
Final Thoughts
Confirmation bias is a part of how our minds work, but we don’t have to let it run the show. The more we stay aware of it, the more we open up the possibility for better communication, stronger relationships, and more accurate understanding of others.
When you give yourself permission to explore different explanations for someone’s behavior, you grow. You shift from assuming to asking, from reacting to reflecting. And that shift can make all the difference.